I got so bored trying to watch The Limits of Control that I spent most of the first half gchatting with the venerable James Comtois, and most of the second half watching with one eye while starting this post. How's that for a ringing endorsement?
Some random observations from yours truly (James' flashing wit is only omitted cuz I decided to quote this shit instead of actually writing after he logged off; doesn't seem right without permission, ya know):
i'm trying to watch the last jim jarmusch picture
half hour in, it hasn't started yet
well i'm gonna ride it out so i can properly teabag jj on my blog (Ed. Note: META!)
jarmusch managed to make tilda swinton look not hot
why the fuck do i do this to myself . . .?
it's like he's doing a really bad, misguided parody of a jim jarmusch movie
at least there's a good lookin spanish broad in this picture
she doesn't like clothes much
man now that the hot spanish broad isn't around this movie better start ruling soon
oh for fuck's sake more random quasi philosophical spouting
dammit jim i'm a cineaste not an acidhead
i just figured out the hook for my post
the way to tell if a jarmusch picture is good is whether you pause it when you need to take a piss
yeah
andrew sarris ain't got shit on me
WHERE ARE THE NAKED SPANISH BROADS????
god fuckin dammit
just stickin around to see whether bill murray's gonna be any good
jarmusch would have to send the naked spanish broad to my apartment in person to save this movie
least jim still knows how to use a camera
The Limits of Control is about a series of people who ask Isaach de Bankole “You don't speak Spanish, right?” in Spanish and then give him matchbooks. John Hurt gives him a guitar. As you may have gathered from the above, there was a very decorative young Spanish lady who spent her entire role naked (and, it is inferred, fucking Isaach de Bankole). Tilda Swinton gets housed by the fashion police for her hideous wig and tossed in the back of a black sedan. Gael Garcia Bernal dresses up as an out-of-the-closet-Heath-Ledger-from-Brokeback (seriously, that little fucker has the worst agent in the universe. After The Motorcycle Diaries he could have set his rate at $10 million in pussy and he would have gotten it . . . wait, actually, maybe that was the problem. Anyway, instead of owning cinema he makes movies like The King, and now this. Seriously, son, get better representation). Hiam Abbass—the gorgeous actress who plays the poor detainee kid's mother in The Visitor—drives Isaach de Bankole out into the desert. An evil white guy in a suit gets out of a helicopter. Said evil white guy turns out to be Bill Murray, and is awesome. Isaach de Bankole goes to garrote him.
Bill Murray: How the fuck did you get in here?
Isaach de Bankole: I used my imagination.
It's a shame that the movie waits to become interesting until the hour-forty mark, but them's the breaks. There's a lot of fooforaw regarding the subjectivity of understanding and the arbitrary nature of reality, but it doesn't really amount to much, and it's nothing deeper than the average product of an undergraduate bong-hits-and-Hegel session. Ultimately, it's a fuckin' snore, which is a shame, because I usually really like Jim Jarmusch, Isaach de Bankole is massive cool, and if there's anyone who can appreciate a movie about a hitman who says ten words the whole picture and romps with hot naked Spanish women, it's me.
Until Broken Flowers—which I realize everyone likes but me—Jarmusch pretty much had me, his whole career, no matter what. Since a lot smarter people with a lot better handle on the right pretentious lingo than me have written extensively about Jim Jarmusch, I'm going to keep it brief, and give you the bare essentials to his career.
Permanent Vacation (1980)
Do you have to be a film geek to enjoy it? Yes.
Is it still cool in spite of that? Meh, kind of.
Do you pause it if you have to take a piss? No.
Another Side of Paradise (1984)
Do you have to be a film geek to enjoy it? Not really.
Is it still cool in spite of that? Oh yes, it's awesome
Do you pause it if you have to take a piss? You hold the piss, it's only like an hour twenty.
Down By Law (1986)
Do you have to be a film geek to enjoy it? Yes
Is it still cool in spite of that? Borderline.
Do you pause it if you have to take a piss? If Roberto Benigni's talking, it's safe.
Mystery Train (1989)
Do you have to be a film geek to enjoy it? No.
Is it still cool in spite of that? It's fun, little slow, but fun.
Do you pause it if you have to take a piss? Yes.
Night on Earth (1991)
Do you have to be a film geek to enjoy it? No, this one's actually really accessible.
Is it still cool in spite of that? Yeah, it's fuckin' great. Really great. Totally rent it.
Do you pause it if you have to take a piss? Wait til the end of the vignette you're on.
Dead Man (1995)
Do you have to be a film geek to enjoy it? Goddammit. Kind of. Fuck, that hurts to admit.
Is it still cool in spite of that? YES. PLEASE, FUCK, HAVE PATIENCE. It's so fucking good.
Do you pause it if you have to take a piss? Seriously, stop drinking so much.
Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (2000)
Do you have to be a film geek to enjoy it? Not in the slightest.
Is it still cool in spite of that? Oh yeah. Oh hell yeah.
Do you pause it if you have to take a piss? Of course.
Coffee and Cigarettes (2004)
Do you have to be a film geek to enjoy it? Nope. At least not the Cate Blanchett part.
Is it still cool in spite of that? Some of the vignettes are, some aren't.
Do you pause it if you have to take a piss? Between vignettes.
Broken Flowers (2005)
Do you have to be a film geek to enjoy it? No.
Is it still cool in spite of that? No, it annoyed the fuck out of me.
Do you pause it if you have to take a piss? Nope. If anything, you'll stretch the piss.
The Limits of Control (2009)
Do you have to be a film geek to enjoy it? Yes
Is it still cool in spite of that? Not til Bill Murray shows up. AT THE FUCKING END.
Do you pause it if you have to take a piss? No, this inspired the very idea.
There's a distinct possibility, and I'd like to believe this, that Jim Jarmusch is trolling us these days. On the DVD extras to The Limits of Control, though, he kind of seems genuinely narcoleptic and full of shit. This would contraindicate the trolling theory, which kind of disappoints me because all of a sudden my boy, who I'd always namecheck as a favorite director when I was smoking a lot of weed in college, is slipping. And man I hate it when a good auteur loses it. Let's hope he's only trolling, and that his next picture doesn't wait until fifteen minutes before it ends to start.
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