Except, of course, when the topic of Greatest Cult Movie of the first decade of the 21st century is concerned. There is but one: The Room. Released in 2003, The Room became legendary among Los Angeles-based actors and comedians, and made its way east a few years later, gradually becoming a national sensation. Much has been written about this glorious cinematic catastrophe—I'm very late to the game writing about it now—and the mysterious auteur behind it, writer/director/producer/executive producer/star (each credit is on a separate title card; his name appears a million goddamn times in the credits) Tommy Wiseau.
First things first.
(1) If you haven't seen The Room yet, do so now (any number of places stream it or have a torrent; failing that there's always Amazon or Netflix). If you have, skip to step 2.
(2) If you haven't already read this beautiful interview, do so now. If you have, skip to step 3
(3) Watch this. This is allegedly a sitcom.
What more is there to say? That, like Ed Wood, Tommy Wiseau is, despite his complete absence of talent, an auteur (there's certainly no one like him)? That schadenfreude is one of the most pleasurable sensations known to man? I say: there is certainly more to this story. Who, I asked myself, is Tommy Wiseau?
In the interests of journalism, I tracked down and interviewed Romanian filmmaker Titu Ceausescu. We opened with some pleasantries regarding Ceausescu's latest film Toamna Desperare (English: Autumnal Despair) before broaching the topic of Tommy Wiseau.
DB: So you went to film school with Tommy Wiseau.
TC: Yes. Very long time ago.
DB: He claims to be 40 years old.
TC: I do not think so, but is hard to say. He is strange man.
DB: Have you seen The Room?
TC: Yes. Is very good American film, like Tennessee Williams, but with the drugs.
DB: That leads me to a rumor circulating among many fans of The Room—that Tommy Wiseau raised the $6 million budget through drug dealing.
TC: I do not know. Of course, in America, you do not . . . how you say . . . subsidize the arts, so perhaps American filmmakers must sell the drugs to make money for film.
DB: To the best of your knowledge, are these rumors true?
TC: I do not . . . maybe they are. Tommy has very long hair and wears makeup, not that that means he is drug dealer, but he is very strange man. Maybe he is, maybe he is not. I hear rumor he sell knockoff leather jackets.
DB: I heard that too. Stranger things have happened.
TC: Yes. In Tommy's film, many stranger things happen.
DB: Were there any indications in film school—was this in Romania?
TC: Yes, in Romania. But, if reason you ask is because you want to know where Tommy is from, I can not tell you. His accent is very odd accent. Even in eastern Europe where we all have funny accent, we laugh and make joke about Tommy's accent. Is very strange. Is it American?
DB: Hmm. It does sort of sound like what would happen if you took a bunch of muscle relaxants and washed them down with a bottle of vodka . . .
TC: We would like very much for you to have Tommy. Please tell me he is American.
DB: I don't think so. Sorry.
TC: Oh well.
DB: Getting back to my previous question: were there any indications in film school that Tommy had the sort of unique talent he's since displayed?
TC: Yes. Actually funny thing happen one day. Tommy was camera operator on film I make about human condition—woman leaves husband because he is Communist, and Communist kill her in end—and is time for lunch break. Artosz, Hungarian guy, crazy fatherfucker, passes out potato (Communism is dead, but money still is what you say very tight) to crew. Tommy is messing about with camera, wondering why we only have 35mm camera and not HD side-by-side, when Artosz try to get Tommy attention. Tommy not paying attention. So Artosz throw potato at Tommy and say, “Hey, fuck maker,” but Tommy don't look up in time and potato smack him in head like BWAAA. Tommy go unconscious. We are all like oh fuck. After little while, Tommy wake up and see potato. Artosz says, “I am very sorry to throw potato, Tommy.” And Tommy says, “Potato . . . potato is like woman.”
DB: Oh my God. That explains the casting of the woman who plays Lisa in The Room.
TC: Yes, potato became big theory of aesthetics for Tommy. Potato was like woman, woman was like potato. This is first of many theory Tommy had. The most important was, because Tommy was convince that accident never happen if film use both 35mm and HD camera side-by-side, he shoot The Room like that. Also, he have theory that best looking woman who can actually act should have very small part in film, because that way is the avant-garde. Good-looking woman who can act in lead, very conventional. I do not say bourgeois because Tommy is not of Left.
DB: Well, nobody's perfect.
TC: No. Tommy also wrote 50,000 word essay on having two actors play same part. Not in Romanian, like most course work in the film school. Come to think, I do not know whether essay was in German, French, English, Russian, Romanian, all of above, because after head injury Tommy did not make a lot of sense. Neither did idea. But Tommy was fun to have around. Me, other film students, we used to get the vodka and maybe a little bit of the weed and we sit around, get Tommy little bit lit, and listen to him talk. Funny shit, my friend.
DB: So Americans aren't being provincial, making fun of the way he talks?
TC: Oh no. Believe me, I am first to say if America does something bad. Believe me, I do not like America, though you are one of good ones.
DB: Thank you.
TC: No, Tommy talks very funny. Is okay to laugh when thing is funny.
DB: Whew.
TC: Is true, in America, they say The Room is comedy?
DB: Unintentional comedy.
TC: Between you and me, I let you in on secret.
DB: Okay.
TC: Remember, I say earlier, The Room is great American movie? And I quote Tommy saying film is like Tennessee Williams?
DB: Right.
TC: You do good job keeping straight face when I say that.
DB: Oh. You were kidding?
TC: Of course I am kidding. Listen to me, I tell you great secret about Europeans.
DB: Cool.
TC: When we say weird shit about America, when we say random American film is greatest film of all time or crazy shit . . . we are doing this to fuck up you. To fuck with. You know what I try to say.
DB: Wow. So the French saying Bret Easton Ellis is the greatest American author since Fitzgerald—
TC: Of course is bullshit. We laugh when you read that in magazine and say, “Man, Europe is weird.” Funniest thing Americans do is when you try a war and we say “No, America is bully.” Americans on the right-wing news channel say very funny things. We drink wine, smoke the hash, and watch pirate signal American right-wing news channel. Is funny like Francis Veber film.
DB: So . . . is Tommy playing a joke on America? Is that what you're saying?
TC: No, no, of course not. Reason we all laugh at Tommy is because Tommy is dipshit. He does not have . . . what is word . . . never mind. Tommy I do not think is actually European. Maybe is very sophisticated scheme, born of self-loathing, to be both European enough to be laughingstock for Americans, but American enough that Europeans say “Hey, he is like American! Ha ha ha ha, pass wine and hashish, this is funny stuff man.” I do not know.
DB: Well, Titu, you've definitely given my readers a new insight into the idiosyncratic mind of Tommy Wiseau.
TC: It was pleasure.
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