Since who wins and who loses isn't decided on merit, if one can compartmentalize and enjoy the spectacle of a bunch of extremely rich people taking themselves extremely seriously, the Oscars can be a lot of fun. So, with my predictions about who's going to win out of the way, here's a bunch of good old fashioned bullshit (if you have to ask whether a particular prediction is serious, it's not):
---James Franco's timing is going to be a little off all night, but Anne Hathaway's going to be on point. By the end of the telecast, the audience will be begging him to shut the fuck up so we can focus on Anne's smile. Speculation that Franco's stoned will run rampant, but the real explanation is, he'll be distracted by the forty college degrees he's working on, the twenty-five movies he's directing, and the mistaken impression that he has a shot in hell of winning tonight.
---It'll be a good year for dresses. Some will actually look good, some will be mindbogglingly awful. But it won't be a boring year.
---Florence will be laid bare as the fraud she is without The Machine.
---Gwyneth Paltrow will make everyone go, “Damn, remember when she used to act? Fuck me I'm old.”
---The best speech all night will either be by the Foreign Film winner, or one of the shorts.
---Colin Firth will alienate the entire world moviegoing audience by pretending to stutter in his own acceptance speech; he'll later tell the media “I was having a laugh, is that so wrong?” and the media will go, “Yeah, stick to drama, motherfucker.”
---Tony Curtis will win a bunch of gamblers a shitload of money by batting cleanup in the Dead People Montage. Dennis Hopper, counterintuitively, will lead it off.
---Aaron Sorkin will be a giant cock in his acceptance speech.
---Something will go horribly wrong with the Oscars' “virtual stage” or whatever the fuck it is.
---The ceremony will run 27 minutes and 14 seconds over.
---Thankfully, no dumb political shit in the acceptance speeches this year. Smart political shit, on the other hand, will certainly ensue when the Wall Street documentary guy wins, but he'll be dignified about it. Fox will still jump on this and do a thing about how out-of-touch and left-wing Hollywood is, even though it'll ironically be the least partisan and most relevant political statement at the Oscars in decades.
---No Banksy. Sigh.
---Somebody's gawnna do a wicked retahded Bahstin accent joke at sam point duriness fackin show. It's nawt gawnna be fackin funny.
---This one I can guarantee: when the old guy who wrote King's Speech wins, I'm going to get up and go “David Seidler, I'm happy for you, and I'mma let you finish . . . but Chris Nolan wrote the most original screenplay of all time!” But since that's not actually true, and that joke is old anyway, I'll just be glad no one's around to hear me. Except you all, but hey. What's a blog for if not oversharing.
---Natalie Portman's loss is going to be treated like some gigantic upset, but remember, I fuckin told you so.
---The Cameron Diaz Memorial “Most Stoned Presenter Award,” won last year by Jake Gyllenhaal (who is presenting this year but will likely not repeat), should go to either Halle Berry or Matthew McConaughy.
---Value bet of the night: Me getting bored with the inevitable King's Speech sweep (and the related reaffirming of Harvey Weinstein as the Master of the Oscars) and switching over to the Knicks-Heat game, with 7 to 1 odds.
So yeah, I'll be watching alone, since all my friends are either having a quiet evening in with their wives/husbands or don't give a shit. But you can follow me on Twitter as I crack wise all night. Just be forewarned, if those tweets start being about Carmelo and Amar'e, it means the Oscars fuckin sucked this year.
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