WEEKEND RECAP, AND THE WEEK AHEAD

I'm currently busy finishing up a first draft of a play that is already absolutely fucking insane and will only get more so before the action-packed climax, so posting might be a little light over the next few days. I'm going to try to get in previews of the Spirit Awards and the Oscars this coming weekend, so be on the lookout for those.

I reviewed a couple movies for Tor last weekend: Unknown, the latest entry in my favorite new genre (Liam Neeson owning the fuck out of people in a randomly selected European city). I didn't really like it all that much (the intervals between ownages were a little long and a little dumb), but it had its moments, and was a flat-out fucking masterpiece compared to the thing I saw the next day, that may be the single stupidest fucking piece of shit I've ever seen, I Am Number Four. When I got out of that movie, I went on a Twitter rant:

Reviewing I AM NUMBER FOUR without the f-word and death threats is going to be a challenge.

I saw a guy on the subway who was going to recharge his cell phone with the third rail; he said I AM NUMBER FOUR was his favorite movie.

I AM NUMBER FOUR is so stupid, Glenn Beck denounced it as a fourth columnist trying to discredit stupid people (think about this one a sec)

I AM NUMBER FOUR is so fucking stupid, stupid people just hired Ron Kuby for a defamation lawsuit.

I AM NUMBER FOUR is stupider than doing heroin off a stranger's key because he told you it was coke.

Any movie that can't be saved by an Australian biker chick with guns is deeply fucked.

Sarah Palin in a fucking coma would be smarter than I AM NUMBER FOUR. Bad reviews aren't enough, we need prison sentences.

A number of my friends seemed to find this highly amusing, but really, it was using humor to hide the pain. When someone who counts Tango & Cash, Marked For Death, Bloodsport, and The Last Boy Scout among his favorite (do not confuse with "best") movies of all time tells you something is offensively stupid, you best be fucking sitting down. Because the concept of something being that stupid ought to fill your soul with dread. Matter of fact, since I can curse here, this is my actual review of I Am Number Four:



Happy President's Day, my friends.