Once one of the best movie magazines we had, and then in its web-only edition the first place that ever paid me to write for them (a sign of excellent taste), Premiere as we knew it has ceased to be. It's now been folded into some French entertainment website. The exact details, whatever. Premiere will live on in my memorial gratitude.
In all the hooraw in the site's last days, they never got around to posting the last thing I wrote for them (the original idea for which was James Comtois' that he let me have because he couldn't think of 7 movies to fill the list out). That they never posted it is a shame, because I rather liked it, but the good news is they did pay me for it. My good friend and editor John DeVore told me (well, I think is what he said, if it turns out I heard wrong, it's my fault not his) that this piece was basically mine to do with as I chose since they never posted it. What I choose is to share it with y'all; it's in a different style and format than I usually employ here, but hey. Fuck monotony. (Ed. Note: anything that contradicts anything that the author wrote here on this blog is because he was talking out of both sides of his mouth to please The Man like the shameless little slut that he is):
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7 MOVIES THAT MAKE NO SENSE (BUT THAT WE STILL LOVE)
by
Danny Bowes
We've all been there: watching some movie, thoroughly enjoying it, but one thing (or more) comes up and you're like “wait a minute . . . what?” If the rest of the movie's good enough, more often than not we'll cut it some slack, but that doesn't make it make any more sense. Here are a few examples of the most forgivable “huh?” movies:
1—Inception (2010) dir. Christopher Nolan
Dreams within dreams within dreams (within dreams?) Christopher Nolan's enormously successful summer mind-heist blockbuster features a lot of very attractive, well-dressed people doing a lot of very attractive, well-photographed things. And talking. A lot.
But what about all those rules? The thing about attractive people is that you want to be cool enough to understand everything they say, so that they'll think you're smart enough to sleep with. But much like the previous sentence, not everything the comely cast of Inception says holds up to close scrutiny. Or any scrutiny at all: why, if it's so important to use your own totem, does Leo DiCaprio use Marion Cotillard's? That's just the first of many threads that, if pulled, start to unravel the movie.
Why none of that matters: They're all so pretty. And the zero-gravity fight scenes. And that awesome BWWAAAAAH sound. And Edith Piaf.
2—Mulholland Dr. (2001) dir. David Lynch
You could plug most David Lynch movies in this spot, since they're all really good and none of 'em make a lick of rational sense. And do not, whatever you do, ask your pothead friend to help. You'll be listening to them make as little sense as the movie for twice as long, without getting to see Naomi Watts naked.
So . . . what the hell's going on here? Ya got me. It looks cool, sounds cool, makes a couple thought-provoking statements about the subjectivity of reality (I think) and both literally and metaphorically deals with the cruelty of the movie industry (maybe?)
Why it's still great: Naomi Watts and Laura Harring may be the sexiest couple in the history of cinema. The “no hay banda” scene is killer. And even if the movie's gibberish, you still have to pretend you like it to shut annoying David Lynch fans up, since nothing is worse than having them tell you you “just don't get it.” Cut them off by saying “I enjoy it on a post-rational level” and go get another beer.
3—The Matrix (1999) dir. The Wachowski Bros.
Sure the sequels sucked, but the first one still holds up. The action's great, no one says “whoa” like Keanu, there is no spoon, and any movie with Joe Pantoliano playing a weaselly douchebag is automatically watchable at least for his scenes. However, there is the matter of the script . . .
“The body cannot live without the mind”? Seriously, Morpheus? If that was really the case, the whole country would drop dead each Election Day. The machines spent all this time and brainpower coming up with a virtual reality for human beings to live in, when they could just as easily have kept everyone in a coma. But that's not even the most confusing thing: a bunch of artificial intelligences smart enough to subjugate humanity, and they can't find a more efficient energy source than the bioelectricity generated by a human body? For real?
Why none of that matters: Because they need a virtual reality in order for Neo, Trinity, Morpheus et al to do all that cool bullet time stuff. And make no mistake, The Matrix is a cool action movie, not a deep science fiction opus.
4—The Terminator (1984) dir. James Cameron
Arnold Schwarzenegger is sent from the future by evil computer Skynet to unleash hell on southern California (as redundant an idea as that might be) and kill the mother of the leader of the human resistance before she can give birth to him.
But wait . . . Much like the computers in The Matrix, Skynet is in serious need of an Occam's Razor program: it's going up against a small human resistance composed of biologically frail opponents who need food, water, and sleep and often make emotional mistakes. The humans squeak out a couple lucky military victories and Skynet's first response is to launch this byzantine time-travel plot that violates causality and the laws of physics instead of just making a few more new Terminators and just laser-gunning the fleshlings?
However . . . Are you really willing to give up the awesomeness of The Terminator (and the first sequel) just because the central premise doesn't make any sense? That's what I thought.
5—Superman (1978) dir. Richard Donner
Young Kal-El is sent by his parents from the dying planet Krypton to a small, out-of-the-way place called Earth for his own protection, where he Anglicizes his name and finds he can do all kinds of cool stuff like fly and see through women's clothes.
Not to belabor the obvious, but to belabor the obvious: No one can tell Clark Kent is Superman just because he has glasses on? I thought the Jedi mind trick was invented on Tattoine, not Krypton.
Again, obviously: The general public had gotten over that little problem before the actor who played Superman in this movie was born. Christopher Reeve was great, and the whole movie really holds up in terms of craft, narrative drive, and genuine wide-eyed innocence. Also, Gene Hackman and Ned Beatty are the greatest closeted gay couple ever.
6—Vertigo (1958) dir. Alfred Hitchcock
Jimmy Stewart develops a fear of heights after a terrible accident, and has to leave the police force. An old college buddy hires him to follow his wife (Kim Novak), who's acting weird.
I'm not saying it's not still one of the 5 best movies ever made, but . . . The college buddy wants to kill his wife and make it look like a suicide. Sure, why not. Okay, why does he hire Kim Novak to pretend to be her? Wouldn't it be easier to just snuff the wife and bribe some cops to falsify the evidence? Same probability you'll get away with it, much simpler. And the whole thing about bringing Jimmy Stewart there to be a witness to the fake suicide and assuming that Jimmy Stewart will have a panic attack and not see the college buddy throw the dead body of his wife (remarkably well preserved, since Jimmy Stewart didn't smell her) off the tower? Little complicated.
But, still, it's one of the 5 best movies ever made: It's so gorgeously shot, and Jimmy Stewart is so good playing a guy whose obsessive love for a woman he barely knows drives him to mania, and the ending is so beautifully tragic and ironic that, really . . . let the logic loopholes slide. It'll be okay.
7—The Usual Suspects (1995) dir. Bryan Singer
A modern classic, made stars out of Kevin Spacey (temporarily) and Benicio del Toro, though Gabriel Byrne was still the coolest guy in the whole movie. Well, except Keyser Soze. Unless he is Keyser Soze . . .?
Spoiler alert: he's not: When Kevin Spacey is revealed to be Keyser Soze, after spending the whole movie tying Chazz Palmintieri in knots with that story about the $91 million in coke and mythical Hungarian/Turkish gangsters and Pete Postlethwaite as a Japanese guy (a clear sign something was off), it raises the distinct possibility that the movie we just spent two hours watching was all a lie and never happened. Or was Kevin Spacey lying to protect Gabriel Byrne? Probably not. Either way, untangling everything causes massive headaches.
Or, more accurately, only if you let it: There's plenty of textual support for the “twist” ending, that only seems like one because the story is so masterfully constructed. Actually, part of the appeal of The Usual Suspects is that it's confusing. It's a story being told by a con man. If you were able to see where it was going before he wanted you to, he wouldn't be much of a con man. As with the other movies on this list, too, it's better to figure it out afterward (if possible). Until then, enjoy the ride.
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So, yeah. I'll miss Premiere. Thankfully Tor.com's still going strong; I'd hate to get a rep for killing every publication I write for. I'll have to kill more than one to do so in any case, and I have no intention of doing so. I'm in the process of finding more freelance work, and will keep you all updated on what far-flung spots in cyberspace are kind enough to print my ravings. 'Til then, happy weekend, my friends.
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